Dance in the Rain☔: And in a blink of an eye, 2010 is history

For the past 3 years, my new years have been brought in with songs of worship. Songs sung to the everlasting God, dancing, and laughter but it makes me think, what are all those smiles masking? What are the stories or each and everyone of these humans?

A friend once said "you only get as much out of it as you put it" and partially agree, but it's not what you can do or put in on your own, but what you allow God to do. This may sound like the same thing, but i don't think it is. You cannot just close your eyes, lift your hands, belt out a beautiful tune and believe that God is any closer. It is a matter of the heart and not the head.

I cannot say that 2010 was an easy year for me, and quite honestly don't see 2011 being easier.

2010 started off being a year of potential and smiles but not long passed before things started to get rocky. Relationship with friends started to go south, life was crazy busy and things started to get to me. But God never let go of me. He showed me that He was the great provider through the outpour of support I had for East Asia Project. The conversations that I had with my friends and with God was what ultimately lead me to decide to intern with Power to Change.

But the daunting task of raising over twenty thousand dollars to go soon became a small speck in my mountains for struggles. In August, the Lord took my father home. It was a hard time for my family and I, but family and friends were always there to comfort me and remind me of God's love.

During those times, this passage really comforted me. And if you are going through some tough times, I hope these words, His promises comforts you too:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

2 Corinthians 1:3-11

This past semester came and went by in such a blur, but I wanted nothing more than to feel normal. There were days were I would just sit in silence and wonder why I couldn't just be happy. I never got angry at God for taking my dad away, but the realities of him never getting to see me graduate, never getting to see me get married, or never giving me another hug would put a damper on the day. I've wondered on more than one occasion about why I didn't just get mad, blame God and then forget about my internship. But the promise of hope that Jesus brought to this world kept me clinging to Him.

It's weird to think that hope can come from death. Just cause I hope my dad might one day walk through that door, we all know that wont happen. But the ultimate reason we have hope could have only happened because of death. Death of Jesus Christ.

He Died In Our Place: "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8).

He Rose from the Dead: "Christ died for our sins... He was buried... He was raised on the third day, according to the Scriptures... He appeared to Peter, then to the twelve. After that He appeared to more than five hundred..." (1 Corinthians 15:3-6).

He Is the Only Way to God: "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father but through Me'" (John 14:6).

Following this realization and the realization that life will always throw you curve balls, I felt that my reaction is what defines me. As a child of God my worth is found only through Him and I must do what He has called to even through the pain.

Going back to this Winter Conference, I went there knowing that God wants me to serve Him in BC for the next eight months. Yet knowing this didn't stop my emotions from going on a roller coaster. The excitement and the novelty of moving away had gone away and the emotion that was left was pure fright. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, no idea what I'm doing. I hoped that God would use this conference to assure me that this is the right path for me, to draw me into a place where I would be so ready to drop everything I have here and serve Him, to even just feel a sliver of a spiritual high.

Yet when I arrived I felt even more confused than before. The excitement of seeing some of my best friends did nothing more than make me feel out of place. During the first main session, not only did I not feel a connection to the music, the talk, or the people around me, I had this feeling of uneasiness and the urge to get myself out of there. Thanks to the beautiful NC who saw my struggles and prayed for me, the uneasiness subsided.

All through the conference I tried everything I could in my own power to connect to God. I prayed, I closed my eyes, I rose my hands, but nothing seemed to draw to closer to God.

This continued throughout the entire conference. I was confused about what I was doing wrong. The last talk came and went and still nothing. I felt as if I hadn't learned anything all 4 days. And felt even more discouraged than I did going to conference. After midnight, it was a conference tradition to worship and sing in the new year. I figured that I would at least have fun and deal with my insecurities in the morning, but I just couldn't do it. Half way through, I sat myself down and realized I needed a heart to heart with God. "God I've tried everything I can think of to draw near to you. I've prayed, I've read my Bible, I'm leaving everything I care about and moving to a new province for you. Why won't you just reveal yourself me to?"

Then He answered, "My love never fails. I am the same throughout the ages, and my love for you never changes. What you do will never change that, you just need to let me change your heart."

God never ceases to amaze me. Even in the darkest of time he is not only holding your hand, but he has picked you up.